Before I get into this, I’d like to take a moment to add some clarification around the last video - An Ode to Emma Watson. In this video, I opened up about some personal experiences that I’d had over the last few years that have really affected me. I acknowledge along with so many of you in the comments that it’s probably a little weird, I'm doing my best to understand it myself. But let me explain a bit more since all of us have had at least a few weird experiences in our lives that are hard to explain or put into context.
I know a lot of people thought I was putting Emma on a pedestal, and I think in my own enthusiasm and nervousness I recorded what I did without taking the time I should have to properly explain. I made the statement that Emma Watson was the “Christ Sophia”, did not elaborate on the fact that the Christ energy whether masculine or feminine is a consciousness, rather than it is a specific embodiment in any one person. My expression that “Emma is the Christ Sophia” was to honour the light within her that shines so bright, and so pure. But if each of us follows the calling of our hearts, we may all embody this same light within.
While this was a goofy mistake, at the same time, I feel it was more important to post it than not, because it started this bizarre and wonderful conversation rolling. Otherwise, I would have shied away from the whole thing, and we wouldn’t be talking here now. So I have come to understand and feel as though no expression will ever be 100% perfect, not even this one, but I still have to put myself out there, because these conversations are more important than ever right now - especially regarding the divine masculine and feminine; and healing the toxicity that pervades each.
So what is the “Christ Sophia?” To expand the conversation from the previous video for those wondering, Sophia is a Greek word meaning Wisdom and was often seen as the female counterpart to Jesus. The Christ-Sophia consciousness is akin to unity consciousness within the body. It is when the feminine and masculine principles within each of us merge into the greater whole. This is because Sophia herself was often considered in one of two ways, one was the divine cosmic feminine principle, or secondly, the physical body. The Christ energy on the other hand was the holy word of God, the pure creative power of the Divine Masculine, and thus when the two came together in their holy pairing, the Christ Sophia was the embodiment of Christ Consciousness in a human - a wise human.
On a practical level, t his means to practice walking the middle path, to flow and explore different perspectives and lifestyles but not attach to any sides, and certainly not demonize anyone. This helps us to see ourselves in fellowship with the whole of mankind. This is what brings us together from the illusion of separation. Truly, this is what I see Emma Watson doing, she is creating unification in the world through her work. Through her organization “HeforShe” she is helping to heal the inequalities between Men and Women, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg in terms of the work that she does. She’s an amazing role model, and each of us has that same opportunity to choose the path of light, and it begins with choosing to listen to others in their pain instead of judging them.
Now that we’ve cleared up that a bit, I want to get into the greater theme and wisdom that came up for me during my aya ceremonies at Rythmia. It’s relative to this whole conversation because it was literally healing the split between the masculine and feminine. Mostly by seeing how these energies have played out in my own life and then using that template as an inspiration for how each of us has our part to heal in this collective journey.
Part of the journey was a revisit to my past, and some big life events that happened many years ago. It’s been very difficult to talk about, but sometimes you gotta roll up your sleeves and have the hard conversations, so here it goes.
Several years ago, I was publicly accused of raping an ex-girlfriend of mine online. The attack lasted about a year, and while the accusations have subsided, there has been an emotional thorn in my side for a long time about this whole event. There have even been occasional flares of upset around it, especially when I see vicious comments online that I receive occasionally, accusing me of being a rapist. I feel the whole story for this hasn't been told. At last… it’s time.
During my recent trip to Rythmia, I received some very deep healing around the entire thing. It is a part of my life that, while it would be so easy to keep to myself and let it go, I feel it is necessary to speak to today. Since I feel many people have most likely lived similar relational dynamics to me, it feels to me as though this story may help others to find healing through the sharing and exploring of what happened.
Through the ceremonies, I came to understand not only how I had helped to create the story of rape that surrounded me, but also how it was relative to the entire world.
As I lived it, it was a very difficult situation. I had been very focused on creating a sexual union between us with the impression that it would create healing for both of us at that time. My partner was not so interested in this, but she still consented. I was only 20 at the time, and upon reflection with the plant medicine, I was able to see that the reason that this situation happened between us was that I was playing out a masculine wound. I was emotionally limited to only feeling myself, I could not feel my partner.
Throughout this ceremony, I was then taken back even further in time and watched a series of events that transformed my life and changed me into a boy who couldn’t feel.
It began with the death of my father. His suicide shortly after my conception sowed a seed of abandonment, rejection, and fear into me before I was even born. Being born into a world without a father, I have had to come to understand my masculine and sexual energy without proper guidance. I have since come to realize this is an issue that so many of us struggle with, which Robert Bly outlines very well in his legendary book about men “Iron John” - There are not enough real fathers in the world, and it keeps boys from transitioning into real men.
For me, my example of masculinity came from men who were caught up in their minds, so fast to criticize everything, needing to be right in every situation with no openness to growth, and all of this resulting from having very poor relationships with their inner feminine.
In Jr. High, along with tremendous abuse and bullying by my peers, I was taught that the typical narrative for young Men that if you weren’t having sex, you were a worthless piece of shit. I was subconsciously influenced by the media that women were sex objects. And if you haven't seen the film “Miss Representation” on this subject, I highly recommend giving it a watch, because it really puts into perspective how toxic sexuality appears in the media… At no point in my life did I receive any education or guidance that said sex was a sacred connection between two souls, in fact, I was shamed from feeling I could ask anyone anything at all.
Because of this programming, sex was something to get, and the result of all of this created a boy whose lack of connection with his father compelled him to try and fill that void with sex to feel empowered. All the while feeling like a worthless piece of shit, and I’m certain you can tell - that desperation is not very attractive at all.
It was this energy within me, this twisted quiet desperation, that was at the root of why I was eventually called a rapist. While my partner at the time had consented, deep down she did not want to. She told me later that there was a part of her that wanted to give me what I wanted because she loved me, but in her heart, she knew it was not right.
Truly, had I been able to feel the depths that I do now, it never would have happened. To my ex-partner, I deeply apologize for my own insensitivity, to not have been able to comprehend that it was not right for us to be together at the time.
I have explored both angles of perspective on this… am I a rapist? By the conventional standard definition, I didn’t force her down or anything of the sort, and so the answer is no…
But she said she felt raped, and I feel like it’s important that I honour her feelings. In fact, this is the reason I gave her a confession in the first place when she asked for it, which led to the story getting out online.
I’ve actually publicly stated that I was a rapist before, thinking it was the right thing to do, and yet then I receive so many people saying “well actually no not really”, and then other people who just use that as fuel for more attacks... This is where the line blurs in the eyes of the general public, and I feel it’s important that I share this with you now for complete transparency - regardless of how you may feel about me, and despite my mistakes, the broken child who got into this mess in the first place is not who I am, it is not a reflection of what’s in my heart, or what I stand for. We all grow and learn from our mistakes.
In fact, to quote one of my favourite authors Robert Bly, whose work is designed for the evolution of manhood everywhere, he writes: - “Our story gives teaching that says where a man’s wound is, that is where his genius will be. Wherever the wound appears in our psyches, whether from alcoholic father, shaming mother, shaming father, abusing mother, whether it stems from isolation, disability, or disease, that is precisely the place for which we will give our major gift to the community.”
It is because of these wounds, these accusations, and mistakes; that I am able to speak to you about it here and now.
After this relationship, I had the opportunity to live on the other side of the spectrum, in a relationship with a man who now I can see it was not right for me to be with. One who I said yes to because I felt obligated to do so. I said yes to him so many times, and experienced so much pain because of it… During that time, I was too afraid to leave the relationship because of threats of suicide that I would receive when the conversation of a breakup arose. Life has a funny way of mirroring our greatest lessons that we both act out and receive.
The plant medicine revealed to me many truths about both the divine and toxic masculine and feminine, where it comes from, and how to heal it. I learned how many of us are raised into worlds just like mine, and how my story is not so exclusive to me. How so many people say yes to sex, intimacy, and relationships when they don’t really want to, and often they don’t feel like they have a choice, even though very often they do. I also learned how this human behavior, rooted in fear, will one day come to an end.
There is a pervading belief in the world, throughout many cultures and ideologies, of a Heavenly Father, and an earthly mother. These holy personifications are beautiful, often symbolized by the relationship between the sun and the earth, and where we are the children between the two. However, these archetypes are incomplete, for they lack the presence of the Heavenly Mother and the Earthly Father.
This subtle false belief system, which stems back for countless generations, has created a deep pervading belief within most of us that men have no place here on the earth, and so they are compelled to brutally seize it for themselves. It makes women feel as though they have no place in the eyes of God, and so they are compelled to become the seductress, using sexuality to manipulate their way through life.
While there are many aspects and roots of Toxic Masculine and Toxic Feminine, this is one foundational space from which these energies arise.
We even find these mythologies being present in some of the largest religions today, with the Goddess Sophia, the Feminine Wisdom of Christ, being written out of Christianity, leaving us with a one-sided face of Deity. We have Jesus, but we have lost his feminine counterpart, and so little do we investigate how these divine gender roles have affected our collective psyche.
The medicine showed me that all of the twisted chaos of the world, the perspective of a gender binary over a gender spectrum, and the pain and suffering that has endured, is there specifically so that we may learn these lessons, and through these lessons evolve and ascend into a higher expression of humanity. More connected to the light within us than we ever have before.
Now, bringing this conversation to a close, let us explore how we can heal the toxic masculine and the toxic feminine within us. While I will be addressing this to men and women in a more traditional sense, I encourage you to observe this from a space of energy and inner identification, rather than a strict binary. These lessons apply to all of us. We all have the masculine and feminine within us that need to come together in union.
For men healing the toxic masculine, we must not be afraid to open up and share what’s on our hearts with other men, in a private sacred space of sharing and communication. For too long we have bottled up our emotions and reserved ourselves to silence, because we have been inflicted with shame for having feelings, and not appearing as the image of manliness that pervades throughout society and the media.
For men healing the toxic feminine, we must resist the seductress temptation by standing for a higher love. We must realize that sex alone will never fill the void within us, that what we truly want is a deep connection. By identifying within yourself what you want, you make the space to create it. Remember, you can’t hit a target you can’t see.
For women healing the toxic masculine, we must remember that the toxic masculine which pervades throughout society is not a reflection of the divine masculine and that even if you have been hurt by men, this does not mean that men are inherently evil. We must be willing to be patient and gentle, for many men are still boys inside, and you may elevate yourself and them by connecting with them from your inner-child.
For women healing the toxic feminine, very simply - the way to have all that you want in life is to be truthful, loving, and authentic. Your soul will not be satisfied in life if you lie, use seduction, or other manipulative tactics to get what you want.
These were the lessons that were revealed to me on this particular journey with the sacred plant medicine, and while I know there is always more for us to learn and embody, may this wisdom guide us forward as we continue into the light.
If you’re curious about Ayahuasca and want to learn more, check out my recent film “Are Miracles Real”, and discover the mysteries of shamanic plant medicine.
I stand for you if you’ve ever been abused, and I stand with you if you stand for love.
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